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PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2013 7:38 pm 
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Joined: Thu Feb 07, 2013 6:43 pm
Posts: 2030
shaggimo wrote:
Image

:mrgreen: This pic contains the true meaning of awesome.....haha


shaggimo wrote:
Not a joke per say, but full of strokers, interviews made me chuckle a bit. :lol:

http://www.myfoxtwincities.com/story/18 ... eet-racing


amcinstaller wrote:
amcinstaller wrote:
Q: how can you find a cowboy's girlfriend in the bar?


match the belt buckle to the imprint in her forehead :twisted: :lol:


shaggimo wrote:
GF sent me this, made me laugh, maybe cause it would be something I would do, hahaha. :mrgreen:

Image


shaggimo wrote:
From another forum, but it hit way too close to home, I don't know how many times I've witnessed this while at shows, cruise ins, and in everyday scenarios.

Refering to a sweet 79 Cutlass.....
DRIVEN wrote:
My car ran great as usual. And, as usual, didn't get much attention at the show. I did catch a few guys trying not to get caught taking a closer look. Almost like they didn't want their buddies to see them checking it out. Great, my car's like a cute fat chick :lol: .


:lol:


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2013 7:43 pm 
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Joined: Thu Feb 07, 2013 6:43 pm
Posts: 2030
shaggimo wrote:
Just to stay on topic

Image


:puke: :hahaha:

shaggimo wrote:
Another.

Image

:doh:

shaggimo wrote:
lol, good, good, haha, here's a couple more that gave me a little chuckle :haha: .

Image

One that the miss sent me today.
Image


shaggimo wrote:
^^^ :hahaha:


From another forum, this caught me off guard, yes this was an automotive forum, lol.

Image

:haha:

1985amceagle wrote:
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Naples, Florida. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents".

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There seemed to be a fully stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis, shaken, not stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then look at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Boston," the bartender said, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same."

"Wow! That's quite a story," says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, they're all AMC owners and have Rambler Mentality. They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price."

1985amceagle wrote:
stole that from the nest along with this one
Image

:twisted: had to try it, flys just became mad, didnt fly :(

1985amceagle wrote:
redneck dragster

Whuntmore wrote:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school
diploma to fix one; a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has
never, ever, had an accident.

> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
> P: Something loose in cockpit
> S: Something tightened in cockpit
>
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.
>
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> S: That's what friction locks are for.
>
> P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> S: Suspect you're right.
>
> P: Number 3 engine missing.
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
>
> P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>
> P: Target radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>
> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> S: Cat installed.
>
> And the best one for last
>
> P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
> on something with a hammer.
> S: Took hammer away from midget


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2013 7:48 pm 
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Joined: Thu Feb 07, 2013 6:43 pm
Posts: 2030
shaggimo wrote:
What our dogs really think....
Image

:hahaha:

shaggimo wrote:
I swear, I had nothing to do with this :hahaha:

Image

Glad I'm not the one who has to clean it up though :o .

amcinstaller wrote:
1985amceagle wrote:
amcinstaller wrote:
lol true shag.

normal guy: spend 100 bone on bricks and have a firepit
shaggimo: visits construction sites and steals them one by one. or better yet digs them out of his works walls. johnny cash got a whole fucking caddy, a firepit should be childs play!!

:lol: :lol:

shaggimo was there getting bricks johny cash style :lol:
quote was on another page here
might not actually be the reason he was there



:hahaha: :hahaha: :hahaha: :hahaha: :hahaha: :hahaha: :hahaha: :hahaha: :hahaha:


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_________________
1985 eagle wagon - 258
1987 :amc: Jeep Comanche - 4.0
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2013 7:51 pm 
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Joined: Thu Feb 07, 2013 6:43 pm
Posts: 2030
1985amceagle wrote:
here are a few more jokes from the eaglepedia
______________________________________________________________
A compilation from AMC Eagle Nest Members. Feel free to add your own if you have contributor status. If you don't have contributor status just ask an admin to see if we can fix you up.

SUBJECT: TOOL DESCRIPTIONS: A PRIMER

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand, or other nearby body parts.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable or valuable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. Secondary usage: used to call 911 when car has fallen on you.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TAP: See Bolt Extractor above.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry-bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light. It is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.




AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Multipurpose, if the smaller one does not work, use larger model. Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

PIPE AND/OR CHEATER BAR: Used to provide leverage on stuck or stubborn parts, since you should have had the strength to do it but recently have only been doing 12 oz curls.

WATER PUMP PLIERS: Larger, with more adjustment points than ordinary pliers, it is used to round off bolt heads too large for ordinary pliers. Also doubles as a device to check one's palm pain tolerance when the jaws slip off the rounded off bolt head causing the handles to pinch the fleshy part of your palm below the first finger.

ANGLE GRINDER: Used for grinding off flesh of knuckles and finger tips.

ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Commonly used to round off bolt/nut heads and slam your fingers into the sharpest nearby object.

SNAP RING PLIERS: Used to expand and then shoot your only and very necessary snap ring into another dimension (distant relative to wire wheel.)

Oxy-Acetylene Torch: Also known as the Acetylene Wrench....When the progression of hammers fails once you get to the "Thor", try the acetylene wrench also known as "Metric".

SAFETY GLASSES: Meant to protect your eyes, but only serve to become fogged-up and distort any amount of vision provided by the aforementioned trouble-light.

4 - 6' STEEL PIPE: Used to snap breaker bars in half to reduce their length. Also good for breaking sockets and rounding off nuts and bolt heads.

TOOL BOX: Place where the tools you do not need are stored.

KITCHEN DRAWER/WIFE'S PURSE/KID'S BEDROOMS: Places where the tools you need are stored.

GASKET ADHESIVE: Substance guaranteed to stick to everything but the parts you are trying to get it to stick to. Works best to seal the tube it comes in after one use.

WORK BENCH: A portal to an alternate universe. Parts placed there will be transported to this universe and only be returned after you return from the parts store with the new replacement part.

UNDENIABLE TRUTHS: No matter which fastener you leave until last -- it will be the hardest one to remove. You will have one left over fastener.

TOOL AISLE: Tool used by merchants to assist you in buying tools you might need someday.

PEN: Used to sign checks and credit card slips at the parts store.

ELECTRICAL TAPE: Used in conjunction with fast food napkin to bandage wounds incurred using above mentioned tools.

FULLY EQUIPPED MECHANIC'S WORKSHOP: Something you don't have, and will be required to visit with projects you can't complete.

LAWN MOWER/SNOW BLOWER: Used to find tools and parts.

STANDARD TOOL SET: One flat head screw driver. One claw hammer. One rusty pliers. One half a saw blade.

PROFESSIONAL TOOL SET: One Vise Grip pliers One nail One Phillips screwdriver One old roll of duct tape and a roll of (rusty) tie wire, aka balin war


LOCKING PLIERS (COMMONLY CALLED "VISE GRIPS"): Originally designed to operate Hood Release Cables on Eagles, they have been adapted to a wide variety of uses.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

From the Duct Tape Guys
The choke on my 1983 AMC Eagle refuses to work when it’s colder than 35 degrees outside. Is there any way to fix this situation with duct tape?

Duct tape a heating pad to the engine temperature sensor and it won't know that it is less than 35 degrees out. In the absence of a heating pad you can substitute a little kitten (just kidding). – DTG
____________________________________________________________________________________________

Gasket Making

By Jim and WonderEagle

Hey, here's a How To. When you need to make a gasket and it isn't practical to lay it on the piece and tap it out with a ball peen hammer: first, go to your resident expert crafter and ask advice about whether the pattern smells too strongly of gas to work on at the breakfast bar, what tools to use, etc. Wink Start doing as she instructed. When she sees how incompetent and bungling you are let her take over. You will end up with gaskets that appear to be factory made. Grin I wonder if Doug will put this in the 'pedia?


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2013 7:56 pm 
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Joined: Thu Feb 07, 2013 6:43 pm
Posts: 2030
casper wrote:
so, been driving "honey badger" to work lately. i work at an auto repair shop. one guy is a die hard GM guy. the other guy, he dont have any preference. "anything with an engine and tires sucks ass cause that pice of shits gonna break some how some day." the guy who dont care likes to tell me different things that AMC means. today he said its "A Mechanics Curse". a about fell on the ground laughing, told him "YA IT CAN BE WHEN YOUR TRYIN TO FIND DAMNED PARTS SPECIFIC FOR A DAMNED SX4!!!"

that was actually a new one on me. hadnt heard that one before. LMAO!! :hahaha:

shaggimo wrote:
Coworker sent me this, I lol'd....

Image

1985amceagle wrote:
heres a few i found on craigslist

so this guy gets rear ended and glancing out his side window he sees a midget walking up to his car.
He rolls down his window and the midget says, "I'm not happy."
The guy replies, "Which one are you?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three men and a chieften



One day in the forest, three guys werejust hiking along the trail when all of a sudden, a huge group of indians attacked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were staring at the leader of the tribe.
The chieftan then said, "All of your lives may be spared if each of you find and bring me ten of onefruit."
So after a while, the first man return with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick them all up his butt without making any facial expressions, or he would die. The man bent over and started to put the first apple into his butt, but it hurt too much and he started to cry, and was killed right on the spot.
Later, then second man comes back with ten grapes. The chief ordered him to do the same as the first man. After the 9th grape, the man busted out laughing for no apparent reason and was soon killed.
The first two guys met in heaven in front of the pearly gates and the first guy asked the second "why did you start laughing, you only needed one grape and you could have escaped."
The second guy answered while still laughing "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking around with a bunch of pineapples"

1985amceagle wrote:
Heres a good reason why not to use to many christmas lights on your house as seen in the video below


actually was a blooper where they played the wrong clip for the segment

1985amceagle wrote:
1985amceagle wrote:
do you know why blind people dont skydive?


it scares the shit out of thier dogs :lol:

Whuntmore wrote:
A Muslim bloke was bragging that he had the entire Koran on DVD.
Being interested I asked him to burn me a copy - well, talk about
getting upset!


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2013 8:02 pm 
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Joined: Thu Feb 07, 2013 6:43 pm
Posts: 2030
shaggimo wrote:
:wtf: :hahaha: And I thought my bumper was ugly, hahaha.



For those who haven't guessed yet, I love celtic rock and its drunken humor, :hahaha:

p0wn wrote:
I find this type of shit to be super humorous.

Image

shaggimo wrote:
Haha, ultimate buggout...


Heard this song today, gotta chuckle.


shaggimo wrote:
Image
:hahaha:

maddog wrote:
on some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian air craft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
one day on just such a field the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "what time is it?"
the tower replied, "who's calling?"
the aircraft replied, "what difference does it make?"
the tower replied "it makes a lot of difference.
if it's an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock.
if it's an Air Force aircraft, it is 1500 hours.
if it's a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
if it's an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
if it's a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon.
and if it's National Guard, it's still a couple of hours until quitting time."

maddog wrote:
a young man volunteered for Navy service during World War ll. he had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp.
the very next day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. all they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
on his first day aboard he took off and single handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.
he threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captian. saluting smartly he said, "well sir, how did i do on my very first day?"
the Japanese captian turned around, bowed, and replied, "you made one very important mistake!"

p0wn wrote:
A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

shaggimo wrote:
So I get an email from GM today, reminding of the live webcast of the 2014 corvette stingray tomarrow. So curious as to what changes were made, I looked a little further into it via google, lol. I saw that they were bringing out a new green for the vette, this intrigued me, I like green, and I want to repaint my malibu, but I'm unsure if I want to stick with the factory green (it's kinda blah). So I researched a little deeper into the new vette green, may be a pretty decent color, so this got me thinking, wonder what other colors GM is coming out with for the 2014 line. My search continued onto my GM catalog, what I saw, was too much for me to handle, I lost it, :hahaha: . Oh GM, sometimes it's just too easy :Homer:

Image

:laugh:


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2013 8:06 pm 
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Joined: Thu Feb 07, 2013 6:43 pm
Posts: 2030
p0wn wrote:
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?





... slow down.

p0wn wrote:
Image

maddog wrote:
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent. The doctor says,"I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.''
The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor,"she says,"I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly." The doctor says,"Good !!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

maddog wrote:
An explosion killed a wild-living Navy Boilerman and he found himself in hell. Being used to stoking fires and extremely hot temperatures, he found hell actually quite comfortable. When Satan went to check on the new arrival, he found him sitting in his room smiling.
"You like this?", Satan asked.
"Yes, sir," said the Sailor, "this feels like a spring day to me." Not wanting the new guy to be too comfortable, Satan turned up the heat a bit. When he went back the next day to see how his new arrival was doing, the sailor was still happy; he hadn't even broken a sweat.
"I like this kind of weather," he told Satan.
For the next few days in a row, Satan again turned up the heat, but each day the Sailor looked as comfortable as ever. Finally, Satan decided to try something different. Rather than turn up the heat even more, he turned it off. Icicles formed in the Sailor's room! When he checked on him, the room was icy and he was shivering, but he had a grin from ear to ear, bigger than ever. Satan was exasperated!
"Why are YOU so happy?" he demanded from the Sailor. "It's FREEZING in here!"
"Well, I'm from Denver," said the sailer. "and evidently the Broncos just won the Super Bowl!"

1985amceagle wrote:
One day in a classroom, a teacher ask everyone who doesn’t know anything to stand up out of frustration, after a while one student finaly stands up. The teacher asks the student why he stood up. The student replies “well I didn’t want you to be the only one standing up"

maddog wrote:
there were two guys who were in a car and an old biker who died in an accident and went to hell. there they met the devil. where he tells them, "if you can give me a task that i can not complete i'll send you back to earth but if you can't you will be stuck here for eternity."
the devil goes up to one the guys who was in the car and says, "your up first."
the guy thinks for a second and then says, "i bet you can't make it around the world in ten seconds." the devil snaps his fingers and poof he's gone, ten seconds later poof he's back. the devil says, "done, you are now stuck here for eternity." the devil then snaps his fingers again and the guy disappears.
the devil walks up to the other guy from the car and says, "your turn."
the guy thinks for a second and then says, "i bet you can't make it around the world in five seconds." the devil snaps his fingers and poof he's gone, five seconds later poof he's back. the devil says, "done, you are now stuck here for eternity as well." the devil then snaps his fingers yet again and the guy disappears.
the devil walks over to the biker and says, "alright your turn."
the biker sits there scratching his bearded chin thinking, after several minutes he says, "alright i got one for you," and with that he farts and says, "catch that and paint it green." the devil says, "i can't do that, your going back." and with that he snaps his fingers and the bicker is alive back on earth.

_________________
1985 eagle wagon - 258
1987 :amc: Jeep Comanche - 4.0


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2013 8:08 pm 
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Joined: Thu Feb 07, 2013 6:43 pm
Posts: 2030
This is the end of the jokes transferred over from the old forum. each joke was posted by the member list in the quote box. I am not responsible for each joke posted before this post

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1985 eagle wagon - 258
1987 :amc: Jeep Comanche - 4.0


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 5:19 am 
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Site Admin
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 07, 2013 12:18 pm
Posts: 1368
Location: cny
:cheers:

_________________
p0wn wrote:
rofl beej ahhahahaha that's a reference to a blowjob right??? WE got a blow job for our 100th member... it's the good life.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 2:33 pm 
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Joined: Thu Feb 07, 2013 6:43 pm
Posts: 2030
I dunno why I posted that anymore

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